Negotiating With Your Wife

Almost everyone would prefer to have an amicable divorce assuming they can get what they want out of it.  Many of our clients also believe they can do well negotiating directly with their wives and some do.  Negotiation is a skill and doing it well requires strategy.  We don't frequently refer to other family law blogs but this one has a good basic strategy http://markchinn.blogspot.com/2012/03/how-to-negotiate-without-causing.html.  Of course knowing what to go for and sealing the deal are also helpful.  We assist with setting objectives and making your deal enforceable all of the time.

Banking Alerts

We are regularly called with fears about the wife taking the contents of the bank account.  Once a divorce is filed  the court is able to issue orders prohibiting such action.  However, not everyone is ready to file divorce.  If you aren't and aren't able to take exclusive control of the bank account, then keeping a close eye on banking activity is important.  Banking alerts, available with most major banks, allow you to set up email or text alerts that notify you of transactions.  They are also available with many major credit cards.  Once the alerts are set up, keep an eye out for unusual transactions.  If she does drain the account, make sure you get help right away.  If you let time pass she may be able to spend it before we can help.

Inability to Get Along: Change of Custody?

Recently, the Court of Appeals found that parents’ inability to get along and agree with respect to their children was sufficient grounds to review a custody order.  Constant disagreements between parents that negatively impact children are generally not taken lightly by the court.  As we have previously posted, it is often onerous for a parent to request a modification of custody once it has been established by a court order.  While requesting a change of custody is still very difficult, it is important to document all issues regarding custody or parenting time as they occur.  We highly recommend using e-mail exchanges to provide proof to the court.   If you feel that you have some facts that may justify a change of custody, it is advisable to contact an attorney.  

Warning Signs

We have spoken to more than one husband that was surprised that their wife considering divorce.  Some of them should not have been because there were signs.  A sudden interest in self improvement is a sign that is common.  CBS had a decent blog about it recently.  http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/beware-partner-sudden-interest-fitness-220400464.html.  So, if you are considering divorce and you don't want your spouse to know, be careful about the changes you are making because your wife may notice.  And, if you see your spouse making changes, you may want to pay attention.

Marriage Warning Labels

There is an article in the Huffington Post that proposes a marriage warning label.  Here is the post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/william-quigley/a-modest-proposal-why-can_b_982566.html.  While this article does not help most of our clients, it is a worthwhile idea.

Misplaced criticism of proposed law

A recent article in the Free Press, Brian Dickerson: A new Michigan divorce statute, tailored for one?, criticizes a bill introduced in the House of Representatives recently for having to narrow a focus, cutting out divorce lawyer's from comment, and being unfair.  See it at http://www.freep.com/article/20110623/COL04/106230514/Brian-Dickerson-new-Michigan-divorce-statute-tailored-one-?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE.  The criticism that the legislation was "tailored" for one person is apparently pure speculation because no evidence of that accusation is provided in the piece.  In fact the proposed legislation is quite comprehensive.  See it at http://www.legislature.mi.gov/documents/2011-2012/billintroduced/House/pdf/2011-HIB-4672.pdf.  It finally gives actual definitions for marital and nonmarital property and establishes rules for division of that property.  Currently, lawyers and litigants must look to a variety of cases to glean that information.  Further, that law was largely created by the judiciary and not by the legislature.  There is value in having a comprehensive law drafted by the legislature and for more than just one person.  While the legislation does change current case law, that is the legislature's prerogative and job.  This piece indicates that one of the changes would be unfair to some litigants.  Those litigants are the spouses of people with premarital assets that see there assets grow during the marriage. But that may not be true. As a bit of background, a number of years ago the court of appeals decided that a stay at home mother contributed to the maintenance of a nonmarital asset which changed the character of the asset to marital.  She then got 50%.  Under the proposed legislation, it would not necessarily become marital in that situation and if it didn't, mother would be compensated for her contribution.  It does not say what mother would get for her contribution.  At this point it could be more, less than or equal to 50%.  Rather, it becomes a question to litigate.  To be clear, in the example in the piece the business increased in value by 49 million.  That mother could ask for nothing and could ask for the 49 million, or anything in between.  What value did she add?  How sure can anyone be that it was 24.5 million?  It is apparent that the commentators in the piece don't think mother's work was really worth that and they cannot prove it and that is why they have come out with such furor.  Of course this legislation is not perfect.  We would like the legislature to tell us how, when a Judge divides a $50 million dollar company in half, the working spouse is supposed to pay for it without killing the business.  Businesses aren't bank accounts but you wouldn't know that by just talking to the non-business owning spouse.  For that reason, the legislature should hold hearings.  However, it is good that the legislature is taking on this kind of task and it should be applauded no matter the initial motive.

Mother Entitlement

Mother entitlement is the phenomenen where a mother feels that she is the most important person in their child's life even when she is not or should not be.  Despite the fact that mother entitlement is rampant in divorce cases it does not get much press.  It never gets negative press.  Rather, it is ussually applauded in the press. 

A case in point is the recent the North Carolina case where  a mother with stage 4 cancer "lost" her kids to their father.  The court sited concerns about the uncertainty of mother's health in making its decision.  This has been responded to with furious outcry.  See New York Daily News, http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/05/12/2011-05-12_alaina_giordano_breast_cancer_patient_loses_custody_of_children_because_of_illne.html, NBC (http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/42986817#42986817), Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emily-cousins/alaina-giordano_b_860844.html), Daily Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1385143/Alaina-Giordano-loses-custody-children-breast-cancer.html?ito=feeds-newsxml).  That the mom has cancer is unfair to everyone.  Cancer is tragic.  But why the outcry that the children will now be raised with dad?  Dad's parenting has not been critized in this story.  Dad is presumably a great dad.  Maybe he is only an okay dad or perhaps he is a bad dad.  Naturally that is not the question.  The question is why is Mother being descriminated against. 

Mother entitlement is a problem because it can be this strong and stronger.  We regularly see cases where women in all manner of unfortunate circumstances cannot see that their children may be better off with their father.  Many in the court system, society and the press are guilty of the same thing.  Because our court system only gives lip service to the best interest factors and giving both parents a fair shot at custody, mother entitlement is regulary reinforced and rewarded.  Stories like the one above only reinforce the attitude that any mother no matter the circumstances is better than the father at raising children.

Every parent in a custody case must ask themselves what is in their child's best interest and carefully consider how much they are conflicted by their own understandable but not necessarily relevant desire to be with their children.  Everyone else looking at these situations must ask themselves what is in the child's best interest and leave antiquated notions about care giving out of it.  Until everyone is more objective about what is best for the children, children will continue getting cheated out having real access to both parents.